November 14th
I’m bored…and it’s only 830 in the morning. What the hell am I doing up at this time? Seriously. On mornings that I’m up before noon, I always find myself laying in bed thinking about shit. Dunno why I’m like that, but it’s no wonder why I hate the a.m.
It’s now like 9am, and I’m still lying here. But as fun as it is to stare at a page with nothing on it, I figure I’d write something down. “Get Hysterical, hysteria, can you feel it? do you believe it?”…wow Def Leppard is to my ears what HB was to the Leafs. Why this song popped in my head, I dunno, but get the fuck out already.
I seem to find myself in a real emotional conundrum. I left Thunder Bay because I hated everyone, but now, after like 6 weeks, it seems I miss ‘em all, excluding my mother of course. No need though to put that into words , it’s pretty self explanatory. And as I’m sitting here trying to figure out why I miss people, I think writing down about some so will better my understanding.
I’m laughing as I type John. As much as he’s been there for me, it’s amazing how quick he can turn on me, especially over a stupid random fuck up, which if someone reads this, they now that if there is one thing in my life that’s consistent(other then my good looks: haha I make me laugh) it’s my ability to fuck up. Gee, I’m 18 and I think all I do is fuck up, I’m off for a nice loooonnnnggg miserable life. Anyway, I figure that if I can make him hate me on the turn of dime, then either I’m incredibly gifted, or he isn’t the brother I thought he was. Probably a little of both. But whatever. He hates me now, I’m sure he’s jumping for joy that I’m gone, and well, fuck him. I’ll never speak to him again. Fuck…it hurts so much too to think about his, I love him to death…asshole.
And how about Crystal and Michelle? One I speak too often, the other I haven’t seen in about 6 years, but it all seems retarted that I miss these two. Crystal is such an amazing person, and sometimes I wonder if she knows that. She’ll have to figure that one on her own, I’d have told her myself, but as I know, compliments aren’t well receive in the family, especially since most compliments are just bullshit anyway. And although I’m sure she loves me, I wonder…will she ever get over the incident involving me and John resulting in her getting in shit as we ran outside to hide? As for Michelle, she’s still so young…and I wish I could see her grow up. Two specials girls whom I love very much, and whom I deeply regret never letting them get to know me better.
Hmmmm, and friends? Haha, what friends? Anyone who I call a friend back home are so fucked. Kristin is one that’ll I’ll miss, but will never fully lose contact with anyway, so missing her is just a withdrawal from having someone to drive insane. Gaetan is, well, Gaetan. What can I say? 15 years of knowing the guy, and only recently figured out, that he’s a friend out of pity more so than him actually liking me. Fuck you and the 15 wasted years, piece of shit. Then there’s people like Blair, Scott, Jay, Cheryl and a few others I spent alot of time with. Not sure why Imiss these guys, but all the drugs/booze done between us all has left me wonder how we can even call our “friendship” friendship. Friends are supposed to be there through the worse times and not just when they need a fix haha. I surround myself with a hell of alot of losers. And looking at the few friends I have here, and no offence to you Jake( you know in case your snooping and reading this shit p.s FUCK YOU HAHAHA!!!) all seem to be the same kind of people. Yay for a friendless life.
I also find myself thinking of MJ. Oops, I better put Mary Jane. I’d hate to look back on this and wonder why wacko jacko was ever in my head and fuck he is now, ew, get him out haha. I need to get high. Anyway since the tender age of 5, or so anyway, can’t pin point the exact day, I’ve often wondered as to what the fuck I ever did to have my own mother hate me so much. This is one person I don’t think I can ever forgive, ever. It wasn’t enough that she had to give me up to CAS on my 3rd birthday, hell no, she continues, after 15 long years of not living with her, to fuck me up. Maybe had she had the brain power, or better yet, total concern for my well being in her heart and mind, I’d have been put up for adoption to a good home. You know, at least so I stood a chance, even if it was just a small iota of a chance, to live and be happy. But no, couldn’t let me could ya? I mean fuck, I spent my whole childhood hatin’ on the people who loved me and raised me and had only my best interests in mind when I should have been hatin’ on the one person who deserves all the hate in the world. I hate that my memories of my childhood will always be that of loneliness, anger and resentment. I mean my youngest memories for fuck sakes are that of wonderin’ why my own mother can’t do a simple thing like love me. Unconditional love my ass. I wanna punch who ever came up with that theory really hard in the face, fuckin dumbass. Most of my visits as a child involved what I think of as her way to continue messing with me. I’d get there just after dinner, John would be stuck in a corner with his nose and would remain that way until I left and Crystal was already in bed. Nice fucking visits, eh? Hell, sometimes she wouldn’ even be there for me to visit, and the next time I saw her she’d say that my case worker brought me on the wrong day. I realised even then that this was wrong on so many levels. And to this day, she continues to have negative affect on me. The pain inside of me now hurts so god damn much that its even gotten to the point were I don’t think I’ll ever have kids, be happy or even be the least bit normal. Is it normal to think that I’m on way to a wonderfuly loveless and lonely life? Fuckin’ bitch. I hate crying…especially on the page I’m trying to write on. If you ever read this, which I doubt anyway, let it be known that instead of giving me a life of happiness, you gave me a life of pain and suffering. I mean, hell, a hug would have gone a long way. Or anything. And after almost 19 years on this earth, I still have yet to hear the words “I love you” from my mother. Fuck you, and rot in hell.
Life sucks. It really does. I look back at every supposedly important people in my life and realise that I have hardly any good memories. It makes me sad, and since I just returned from a walk, I think that I’m able to finish writing on my thoughts without the risk of cryin’ like a sissy. Will I ever be truly happy? And how the hell does one move on? I really don’t know what to do. And I can’t talk about this shit to anyone, as they all will think I’m just fucked. Oh well whatever. When I was a kid, it was not my choice to be hated, rejected or judged, but it panned out that way for me, no matter the reason. But I am at an age now to make these kind of choices.
Now I’m not sure how I’ll ever deal with this shit, but one things for sure, no more. I hate this feeling of emptiness, but it’s all good. Working on the ability to trust no one and to never open up is getting quite fun. I’ve spent the last couple years learning how to shut people out and I’m glad to say I’ve done a pretty good job. It may not fill this void I feel, but at least I feel good, if only for the short term. And who knows, maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll meet a good girl one day that brings out the best in me, you know, one that can let me be who I am, one who doesn’t judge me for what I’ve done or one who sees the good in me. Hope I find ya someday…
…but for now, I feel bad for anyone who thinks they know me. I guess beating around the bush in terms of who I am beats lying about who I am. At least I’m not being dishonest.
Anyway, time to go out for dinner and some pool with Jake, Rob, Mike and Amin. Maybe they’ll be able to get my mind off the things that are secretly eating away at me. Go me! And go them for thinking I’m happy as can be. Bye!
November 17th
Been a pretty lame couple of days. Work, work and more work. This retarted Jess girl thinks that because Jake hasn’t called her in 2 days that he’s cheating. Only thing I could say to her about it was he was probably is…she don’t find that funny, but maybe if I’m lucky she’ll have learned not to come to me about stupid shit, which by the way, even if he was, I wouldn’t have told her. Anywho, I’m off to the mall to get myself some shoes, see ya!
November 19th
Boy am I in rough shape. I feel so awful from all the booze last night that I feel like I’m gonna die. Maybe a solo trek up some random mountain will be good for me. I’m off.
Well, I managed to find myself a tourist guide for Chiliwack..cuz it’d be nice to know where everything is and how to get places. Lord knows I ain’t gonna walk out in the wilderness here without a map. I’ve been hiking up this trail for about 3 hours and it’s starting to get colder and I still haven’t what it was I set out for. But I’m happy to have found a picnic table to sit on, and now on to rollin’ a dube.
It’s so nice to be up here right now. It’s cold as hell, but I’ll manage. It’s too beautiful up here to worry about freezing to death. And right now, as I sit here I’m looking over the edge of this hill/mountain thing(not sure what it is, but it’s pretty high up) all I can see is, well, everything I guess. It’s so peaceful up here I wish I could stay haha, but since Ihave the whole day, maybe I’ll ventura off the path a bit. And who knows, maybe I’ll run into a mountain goat or grizzly bear or something.
Well, I’m home now. And not a moment too soon. I thought I was having a panic attack walkin’ back down the trail in the dark. It’s always good to be reminded how much being in the dark like that scares the shit out of me. I’d like to think it’s the weed gettin’ me all paranoid and shit, but it’s not. At one point, I heard a branch snap, and as tempting as it was to take off running, I figure’d if it’s something dangerous that it’d catch me anyway, so I just kept walkin’. But it’s all good now, and maybe next time I’ll think of bringing a flashlight. Goodnight.
November 20th
So apparently, this new manager at work doesn’t think smoking pot in the kitchen is ok. So me, and 4 others are on a 7 day suspencion. So right on, a week off, like I needed that, eh? Gives me seven days of partying it up. Haha lesson of the day is: if I ever need a week off, do hot knives on line while Brandon is on duty. What was supposed to be working all night turned into an hour and 45 minutes, so I guess with this spare time, I’m heading out to the Empress.
November 21st
Hey look, it’s a bird…it’s a plane…it’s…wait for it…me falling off a second story patio. Guess I’m lucky it was just two floors up or I’d be dead. Doc says I have a concussion, so that is officially 4 concussions I’ve had so far. I must remind myself never to sit on the railing of a balcony/patio, it can really hurt. And now that dizziness is hitting me again, I think I’ll go lay down.
It’s 330 am, and I can’t sleep. I’m actually in better shape than I thought I’d be all things considered. Head does hurt though, but I think I’ll be fine. Still though, I’m bored as hell, I can’t drink and and playing the PS will probably cause a seizure. Well, according to the doc anyway it will. And here I always thought those stupid “seizure warnings” on video games were a coax. I sure showed myself. Anway, I’m ramblin’ now, so I’m gonna go and try to eat.
November 22nd
So this suspension never lasted the full seven days. But luckily for me, I fell and and smashed my head up pretty good. When they called me to come to work, I told them why I couldn’t. And since I don’t have a doctor’s note, I walked down with this dishwasher that works there. He had his parents camcorder rolling and caught the whole thing on tape. Guess maybe someday in the future, it may be funny to some. So when we walked in, I showed Shelley the video, and after bursting out laughing she told me to get better and go home to rest. I guess all my years at laughing at other people’s pain, I finally get my moment in the spotlight, and it really isn’t fun. And it’s not like I’ll ever not laugh at someone getting hurt again.
November 23rd
So after a couple days, I think I’ll go out to the Empress with some friends. Not so sure if I can handle not drinkin’, but it’ll be fun to try. And hopefully I don’t get dizzy or shit like I did at the corner store today. Nothing like almost passing out when you’re busy flirting with a girl. So, off I go now to the bar, and I figured out that if I remain high, I don’t feel like shit. All is good in my own little world. Ciao!
Fuck, the Empress was closed. What a waste of a walk. I guess something about them failing a safety inspection of sorts has led them to being closed for a couple weeks. Everyone decided to head down to Area 51, but with all them strobe lights and shit, for the same reasons as not playing video games, I just came home instead. It’s propably good though right? Getting rest and shit. Oh. who am I kidding, this is uber lame. Good f’n night.
November 24th
Here I am at 10 in the morning and wonderin’ what I’m gonna do with myself. I feel a bit better and actually managed to get like 6 or 7 hours of sleep so it makes me happy. Doc says I should have a week or two of chill time, but fuck him, if I ain’t getting dizzy spells no more, then I’m off to party tonight.
Wow, who’d have thought that Jerry Springer can be so friggin’ funny. Right now is the first time I think I’ve watched his show, and wow, I’m amazed. This is lameness to the max. Now if only Canada had it’s own show to display all the trailer park trash in all it’s glory. Maybe I’ll eat and take a nap, I wanna make sure I’m good to go tonight…gonna be a good one.
November 26th
Well, I spent the whole night drinking, then spent all day yesterday with Jake and his lady friends. It came to my attention that because I avoided what’s her face for a few days that she’s “movin’ on” as Jake so kindly put it. Good news for me, I’m off scot free and I don’t need to feel guilty when I get myself laid. Also, according to Jess, she didn’t want to tell me herself cuz she thought she’d hurt me. Fuckin’ funny as hell. I hate the way chicks think, seriously. Hey, we screwed a few times, must mean there’s something there…f’n dumbasses. Get bent!
November 28th
Got called to work yesterday at like 9 am. I ended up being there til 10 or so last night, so I was pretty beat. I was actually in bed by 11, shit am I ever lame. And it’s like 10 am or so now and pouring rain. So much for going out for a walk. But since I feel better, I might hop the bus to Vancouver. That sure beats being stuck in Chiliwack all day.
Ahhhh, a nice cup of coffee from a non-starbucks place(can’t remember the name) and this journal. So much to do in Van, but instead I find myself wrting in this stupid thing. Well, at least it gives me something to vent it. K cool, I’m off to Robson street then, despite some pretty harsh warnings from people, I may find myself down on east Hastings street. It’s supposedly dangerous, full of drugs and full of dirty whores. And even though I ain’t ever been one for danger I figure, what the heck? Could be fun nonetheless.
Just got home. Hastings is probably better at night, but something about stepping over bums shooting up makes me not wanna be there. Just kidding haha, it’s kinda funny in a non funny way kinda way, haha I see what I did there. But whatver I met some decent people and actually ran into an old friend from Churchill group home. Tim haha, what a guy. Weird how someone can meet up with someone in a city of a few million. So, I’m heading back next Saturday to hang with him, and get a real feel of Van life. I’m off to bed now, so g’night you stupid journal.
